Marriage Then and Now

I often can’t help but remind myself of my situation. Being in a relationship is something I often yearned for while making my way through life, and after establishing myself as a man, I often wondered why I could not make one work. I’m glad I took the time to live and grow, waiting until I was ultimately sure of what I wanted, but even still to this day I wonder on occasion about my choice. I know what a raw deal it is for a man to marry in this day and age, but little have I realized that this is nothing new, only worse.

I am familiar with Christian history as illustrated by early accounts and the writings in the Bible and how the early law, the Mosaic Law, dictated how the people of God were to live, including how to have a relationship. Marriage was strongly encouraged (by that I mean necessary for salvation) and part of an everlasting covenant with God, binding on earth and in heaven. To say the least, I was a serious matter and a law with which everyone had to abide or face eternal condemnation, the kind that lasts forever. Today though we still see marriage as oppressive, a contract of indentured servitude, but not for the husband, rather the wife. Being confined in a home was like being confined to a prison cell, chained to a stove, and only seeing three rooms, the kitchen and bedroom and occasionally the bathroom though few men learn women are capable of bodily functions so this one is often forgotten. I find it hard to conceive of such a fate for a woman considering I was being taught at school by mostly women who certainly weren’t chained to a stove. I was then taught how important women’s liberation was in freeing women from this fate that men had placed upon them. However, is marriage really like that? Was my mother chained to a stove all the time?

Again let’s go way back and look at the Mosaic Law. 

Survival was a key component to any civilization, once the basic needs were met, civilization could thrive. Basic needs; who would provide that to the people? Simple the people would provide that to themselves. And so you have the family working to provide for themselves their basic needs, food shelter, etc. The Mosaic Law covers this, and requires that a man provide for his wife and family by the sweat of his brow. A wife even has claim on her husband to provide for her living. This comes from first from the law described in Exodus and then again in Numbers and Deuteronomy. It is the same today in the church, as I have been instructed as a husband before my marriage.

If anyone is shackled, or confined to a certain fate, it would be the husband. I am confined to work all my days by the sweat of my brow, to ensure a living for my wife and family. In the meantime, my wife has the option to work, and earn her own money, money that is not considered family earnings unless she decree’s it as such. She stays home however, by her own choice, though having children makes it a necessary choice, but again, no one forced us to conceive.

So in my culture, marriage was actually a great deal for a wife, opening up her chances to having children, without the worry of provision, even in a time where basic needs are much easier to meet. Marriage essentially has completely opening up her prospects giving her more options than ever before. She is even protected from divorce. Now going back to the Mosaic Law, divorce was a ugly business, but not a raw deal for a woman.

They had freedom from an unjust divorce (Deut. 22:13-21)

They had freedom from forced marriage (Deut. 21:10-14)

They had freedom from abuse in marriage (Exodus 21)

They had freedom from marriage under any reasonable condition, even to the securing of another (Numbers 30)

Though these passages can be misinterpreted, I posit that it is only so because they involve a certain degree of responsibility from the woman. For example, in Deuteronomy chapter 22 it outlines what is to be done in the case of rape and seduction. Rapists are put to death, but if the woman consents, or does not resist, she must marry the man who seduced and defiled her. This has been construed as victim blaming, since pretty much anything can be considered rape today when a man and woman have engage in sexual activity. But the Mosaic Law was not written today, rather in a time where society wasn’t trying to abdicate women’s responsibilities for their actions.

The man however was always burdened and even had to remarry a woman he unlawfully whether accidentally or intentionally put away, without the added provision that he could divorce her again without consequences (often a huge fine).  Even if he did break a covenant, she was allowed to “go free” the burden of proof often being placed on him, for he had to go through an elaborate ceremony just to prove her guilt but she did not for his guilt. This was done for the simple reason I believe, to avoid the stigma associated with an accusation that would often beset a woman divorced, making it very difficult for her to remarry. Think of the stigma associated with being accused of rape or pedophilia. Even if a man is proven innocent, the accusation could still cost him everything.

This isn’t even going into what it cost a man, for if he was found to lie with a woman, he would have to pay her family. If he were to put her away without cause, he would be fined. If he could not provide for her, he would be put away. Even her word was taken over his, for she had to be shown not to consent in the matter of premarital relations as well as adultery, both of which could end up being a death sentence for the man, or an outrageous fine he could not hope to pay.

I don’t see much about alimony, but that is only because the charge of wife care would likely fall on the family. Besides her being “free” meant breaking all ties to her previous marriage, including provisions. When you think about it this was probably meant to prevent gold diggers or covetous women looking for an easy way to get their provisions free and clear. 

Not today however, for alimony is a terrible burden that has outlived its purpose, and with the added child support on top of it has given rise to a debtor’s prison population we simply don’t need. How is it with all these support programs for mothers and children do we still have draconian alimony and child support laws? Well being forced to pay alimony and child support at least isn’t as bad as mehrieh and nafaqa. Only recently did I learn more about the draconian Islamic laws that have created marital ruin in many Middle Eastern countries like Iran thanks largely to feminism influence and Western interference. Seriously after talking about how rough it is for a man in the Western world, I still have little room to complain about the plight of men over there, as well as the boys, who like Hispanics who venture here to the US just to work all day then sleep outside or in a crowded home so they can provide a comfortable living for their family back in whatever central or southern American nation they came from. 

No I compare but am at the low end of the oppression meter. Still that is not to say I don’t get raw deal. When I see illustrations like this, I can’t help but laugh because if it were true why are men not women abstaining from marriage in droves, and why are women not men,crying about it? Truth be told, if I wasn’t a religious man, I would take the more pragmatic and safer option of cohabitating and doing what I can to prevent common-law marriage from becoming official.

So are women shackled today in marriage? Freedom to work, vote, own property, go to school, all of which is even supported by law, and remain unchanged even if married. Do husbands oppress their wives? They do housework, they provide, and even help with the children. So why are women filing most of the divorces? Boredom some say, others because they still feel like they get a raw deal or they feel like a husband is a means to an end. Either way they still need a man to accomplish their ideal life plans, which looks very much like sticking him with all the familial obligations. That’s right, they are strong and independent, but still charge men for their self-actualization, happiness and care, even when just dating. But the fact that they have all this freedom in marriage and divorce including a no fault divorce, speaks volumes.  Let’s look at the divorce.

Laws have changed since ancient times, and adultery is no longer against the law, or is it? How often are married men and women charged with committing adultery? And allegations of abuse? A mere accusation would put me on the street, out of my house and away from my livelihood, without a shelter to house those like me who are abused or otherwise homeless. Abuse is a card women can play, but not a man. Even if it doesn’t stick, child abuse is also a common accusation against men, and I could be further alienated from my children. Then comes the alimony, making sure my soon to be ex-partner doesn’t lose her comfortable lifestyle to which she has become so accustomed. This could be a lifetime occurrence, as well as child support for a child that as it turns out isn’t even mine. And then debtors prison for those who aren’t shamed sufficiently to pay their vindictive ex. Has feminism helped ameliorate the plight of men from malicious wives or partners? Nope, nope and nope, and they continue to fight it today (deleted but found on this page), under shady grounds that only men are ever to blame because women are never abusive, vindictive, or spiteful. All the while, they then have the audacity to tell me that they are fighting for my rights as a man but then doing a 180 and claiming that such policies they so adamantly upheld are wrong and need to change. The nerve, and even when another great man is taken by such malicious policies, we pretend like it's the last thing that caused such a calamity. 

But feminism helps men too, right!?

Again, this is why we don’t need feminism, which manifests itself in modern civil marriage, appropriately dubbed marriage 2.0, has created huge problems surmounting the benefits to the point where marriage is no longer seen as a grand prospect for both parties. Was it ever? Believe the feminist lie, or just ask yourself, how has it managed endured the test of time? If only we adapted a version of the Mosaic Law concerning marriage today would we likely see people put forth the effort to make it work and be functional and happy, but instead we have “no fault” divorce creating a society of misfits, broken homes, and suffering economy.  So much so that even our president is trying to change things to how they were, but is too ashamed to admit the mistake or even acknowledge any culpability of modern movements like feminism. 

So that is where we are today. Just some thoughts at least giving me some comfort that I am at least aware of my situation.