Is My Not Being Married My Fault?

Being single at my age and told that I need to get married, I often self-reflect a little as to how I came to this point in my life and if marriage is something I really want and why I haven’t taken the plunge just yet.

I am LDS and therefore my exaltation is dependent of my fulfilling of the third everlasting covenant of the priesthood, namely eternal marriage. This is often referred to as a temple marriage and in the LDS community elevated me to a ‘holier than thou’ status that I can lord of single people. It’s a merit badge of honor to be married in the LDS community and one which we take very seriously, as least more so than the rest of our society, which I guess still isn’t saying much, but you get the idea, right? Plus, joy and glory everlasting awaits those who are sealed in our temple under the authority of the holy priesthood, so it seems like a worthwhile endeavor, considering the everlasting part is just another way of saying forever, which as it turns out, is a really long time.

So this brings me to the question, why aren’t I married? Well, as a man I often internalize things first; is there something wrong with me? Why do nice girls hate me? Am I not man enough for anybody?

This is my answer to those questions, and to why I am not married.

I am of sound mind and judgment, employing logic and a reasonable amount of prudence in my everyday decisions. I have a mind of my own too, where I think, feel, and reason as a normal person would. I do not have any type of underlying psychosis or issue that makes me clinically or even remotely insane to any degree whatsoever. That last trait is debatable seeing as some people think I hate women, yet such an idea is nonsensical considering their conclusion is based off the notion that my somehow caring about issues that affect men, like the high suicide rate among young men, high dropout rate in schools, or severe health issues that shorten out lifespan by as much as 8 years, somehow stems from some kind of irrational hatred I have towards women, and that the only reason I care about these issues and more affecting men is because I want women to suffer horrible, agonizing deaths. (I mention that in case you think that somehow this is the cause for my bachelorhood, pointing out how absurd that notion would be). Others think I have anti-social personality disorder, but I’ve been tested, and the results indicate that no, I most certainly do not. 

I am an accomplished individual, who overcame diversity and hardship, fell and got right back up, and is now well on his way to becoming successful in a career in counseling and therapy. I’ve finished my undergraduate degree while employed full-time by the Air Force, deploying and return with honor, and so far have an immaculate service record with several decorations and honors. I am currently a reservist, working hard and continuing my winning streak by maintaining that near perfect record, while I go to graduate school.

I am an RM, who returned with honor, okay not as much honor as some Elders I knew, but I tried. I probably should have worked on my gospel knowledge and testimony a little more before going out, but I came back with a very strong testimony and desire to being more Christ-like, continuing the work, and promoting the gospel in my life. I am endowed, work hard and treat people with respect, am courteous, social and very apt to trying new things and making new friends. Overall I’d say I’m a well rounded person.

Looks wise, I take care of my body, am fit, health and strong. People tell me I am attractive, dress nice for a guy, and have good posture. 

These are the few of the things about me, facts that I focus on to promote a positive self-image that in turn grants me some degree of self-worth and confidence. I am not without my flaws however, and though I will not take the time to point them out, I will say that they are not excessive or extreme to any degree that ventures outside the realm of normality.

That being said, why do girls still consistently reject me? I have game, and know who to talk to women, a skill I acquired a little late, but acquired nonetheless, so why do I still strike out, with nothing but rejections and one date wonders? Granted I do sometimes end things myself, and reject girls, heck I’ve even refused two marriage proposals and a third that was in part her rejection too. So it’s not like I’m defective or anything and need to be returned to the factory for an upgrade or reboot. The truth is much simpler than that.

The real reason I’m not married, is because I’m not Captain Moroni. I do not cause the very power of hell to shake and tremble because of my righteousness. I a wracked with sins, and often lament even as Nephi did when he said “oh wretched man that I am…” I am not a stalwart servant and superman like Ammon who caused those whom he served to think he was a God. People learn quite quickly that I am human, that I am just a man. I am not like the Brother of Jared who could move mountains with his faith, but rather my faith is limited and still but a seedling compared to that champion of righteousness. I am not a general authority, nor quite possibly will I ever be. I am just an Elder in the church doing my duty to God and my fellow man. You see, I am nothing special, nobody in the grand scheme of things, but rather another face, another individual numbered among the endless sea of the thousands of saints that John the Beloved saw in his vision of the final judgment. I am only an Elder, just another son of God, just another man. Therefore, I am not worthy of the love of a beloved daughter of God, I am not worthy of one of His celestial creations, I am not worthy of a faithful Latter-Day Saint woman. Only Captain Moroni, Ammon, the Brother of Jared and other grand historical figures in Church History are worthy of such blessings. Only General Authorities, High Priests maybe, or men whose countenance shines like the noon-day sun in the darkest recesses of the world, are worthy of the love of a daughter of God. As for the rest of the 99% of men, we are but filler space, obstacles in the way of the women that seek to distract them from acquiring the attention of these awesome men, and deserve to be overlooked and stepped over if necessary so that each and every daughter of God might have the life she deserves and the love she wants that can last forever in all its celestial glory. As for me and men like me, we shall one day fade into the sands of time, as we become a distant memory, one that will be recalled as the reason for why so many valiant and precious women remained single for so long and were cheated out of celestial blessings. Will there be any women in the little spot of hell that is reserved for us? Of course not, you see it’s our fault and our fault alone that marriage never became a reality. Despite our best efforts, our failures and short comings are no excuse for the outcome.

This is why I am not married; because no woman would have an ordinary guy like me, one of many RMs, a commonplace Elder in the ward, just another priesthood holder, one who is an accomplished gentleman, moderately successful, and  not yet taken despite being eligible for so long. That's right, there is nothing extraordinary to distinguish me, for I am one of many of the ordinary.  Unique, yes, but so is everybody else, so what is unique is also commonplace enough for it to be still nothing out of the ordinary. Overall because of my average status, I do not measure up, not even to the most lowly of Heavenly Fathers daughters because they don't deserve any less than the best.

And so my lamentation goes, as I quietly contemplate my situation, wondering what else I can do besides never giving up. That’s right, I will never quit, never surrender, never stop, even until the end, and when the end comes at least I can say I tried, rather than spend eternity wallowing in the misery of an endless hell, kicking myself for not having done more. At least then the pain will be a little less.